It's hard to conciliate pleasure with work. Fortunately I chose a profession I like, but there are lots of different areas to exercise. Sometimes I find myself completely divided. Before choosing my college course, I knew that I was good with numbers but what I loved was literature. My math and physics marks were great but I didn't like to study them very much. My grammar was usually terrible but I loved to study figures of speech. Maybe not terrible, but it could be better. Later in college my best marks were related to math, calculus etc. and not to subjects related to computer science like architecture, networks, databases, software engineer and so on. Anyway I have never failed in a subject, my final scores were always blue. But it didn't change the fact that it was weird to me not to get good grades on the subjects I liked. Some other oddities are like not been good at things most people are and been good at things most people aren't. The fuzziness, the opposites, the swapped sense were always present in my life. It challenges me. Of course that there are things that I am good and love, and things that I am terrible and hate. And it is hard to explain these concepts to people, it's hard even for myself to understand.

I need to manage my skills with my actions, my natural talents with my experience. It is wonderful when I have direct contact with someone who can work with this never ending twist in my head. Its not like I cannot manage it alone, but it makes me really happy to find someone who can complete my thoughts. Sometimes I have lots of ideas and brainstorms and there are people that can synthesize these ideas. This makes me happy because it means that this one person understood me. And it feels good to be understood. I can both complicate and simplify, but I have more fun complicating things because it pushes my creativity and allows me to explore more of myself. So its natural to me to appreciate people who can take the best of what I can offer.

Not long ago, I sent an email saying that if we wait for something to become better for too long, something bad may happen to change what is wrong. Basically, thinking that hiding or protecting ourselves forever in a shell waiting that nothing will ever change is a very big mistake. In terms of balance, when one side is in a huge disadvantage, any drop of water may inflict chaos and change sides to seek for a new order. This does not apply only to our lives. From time to time any dynamic system requires changes. The sad thing is that we do very little to avoid the disordered inflation and usually wait to face the consequences. Everything would be much simpler if the rule cause and consequence could always be applied instantly, but that's not how it works. The systems are bounded by this rule, but there is a tiny little element that adds complexity to them: the buffer. When the buffer is empty that would be the ordinary cause and consequence law we are used to know.

Our health is an example of this law. Little by little we do things that is not good to our bodies and minds. It could be smoking, eating fat, ignoring exercises or living a miserable unhappy life. Fortunately our bodies can endure a long period of time but if we do nothing to regain our balance we become sick or have an explosion of mood. It is usually good to have a change. Or even better to do it all the time with small changes in the spirit, personal projects and goals. Breath new air. This prevent us from getting old and to became a dinosaur in a world that is constantly been challenged by new opportunities and youth. It is also a way to keep the buffer always low, or as simple as it could be: empty.

The Scream/Wallace Begay [link]

It is not an easy task to calculate the size of the buffer, but I guess that's not very important. Of course it would be great to know exactly when it would be the turning point, but that would represent only a false feeling of control and would not solve the problem. The point is how to identify what is demanding for changes and more importantly to have the courage and attitude to expose the situation and take an action. Sometimes we are so worried to find the solution and afraid that it is the right one that we ended up missing the turning point and the buffer ends. Sometimes just taking an action inspires the solution by simply exposing the problem. People are easily moved with feelings of cooperation, specially in countries like mine, that's a good strategy for seeking a solution. Lack of understanding and communication wastes the full potential that exist within this cooperation. Sometimes the full potential of this energy is not used because of the lack of empathy for the cause. Usually we are not alone. Knowing is the beginning and sharing is essential. Denial leads to prejudice and a chain of bad actions starts to cloud the solution.

The world's economy is suffering from the unbalanced relationship between the rich and the poor. Everyone faces the consequences, it is up to the leaders and partially their responsibility to avoid disorders to pop up. The denial of the people that something is wrong with their lifestyle, the world and their complacence to keep moving this system is everyone's problem. The more involved with this problem the more the consequence to be suffered, that's very natural and represents a good lesson to everyone.

There is also our environment that still suffers from an unbalanced relationship between our consumption and the capacity of the planet to absorb our pollution. Today I see that we live with the problem and do nothing effective to stop it, even if we are aware that it exists. So the day will come for the nature to take its action and find a new order to keep the balance in harmony. Not before a chaotic period of time where the ones involved will struggle to find a way to establish themselves on this new order.

After the consequences are the lessons learned? Some people will learn it, some won't and I guess opportunities will always be there to prove it.

I have a theory about the origins and purpose of viruses. That's very simple, but very weird.

The viruses evolved by using living creatures to reproduce themselves. This appears not to be a symbiotic relationship since the affected beings do not gain anything but an infection. But I believe that this is not entirely true. The virus is a vector that we can use to infiltrate into other beings. Just imagine the virus as part of us, or a tool created by us, evolved within us. When we infect others the material that originated by our metabolic reactions is now inside another creature. Of course, the DNA/RNA of the viruses is not our own, but what if we can intentionally direct them to others? This is a very aggressive mean of communication, but that's exactly the point. Guess what, we unconsciously spreading viruses to the people we want. But it does not apply only to other people, it applies to ourselves too.

Maybe we do not manifest the disease, we just have the viruses but we can get along with them. When we want ourselves to manifest the disease, our immunological system is altered and the viruses inside us are activated. Just like some parts of our DNA, depending on the type of the cell, some segments can activate or not. Cancerous cells are infected by virus in most cases, that's an example of how dangerous they are. Nothing new here, but what I am suggesting is that we are responsible for the manifestation of certain diseases. How many times we become weak when we are unhappy, have a lot of complains, or have destructive thoughts? So, this desire for change yearns for chaos, destruction, renovation. Our minds can do amazing things for good and for bad.

The Virus Theory

Going deep into this theory is that this is also a mechanism that we use to project our intentions into others. Since our thoughts cannot interact with the thoughts of another, by strongly manifesting intentions into different types of viruses this is a way to materialize our will to reach the other. I believe that our minds can do much at cellular level. Our will have much power not only to control our physics. It goes deep into our life system. Our will intrinsically connecting our DNA, and our DNA interacting with viruses RNA/DNA and its reproduction, mutation, etc. Life have thousands of years of existence, and all this system I am describing used the small chances and opportunities that opens up possibilities to take advantage of the best architecture that can be designed.

Exchanging DNA/RNA is not new in nature. Bacterias do it with their cross over method. It is easier for them since they live within the same environment. Multi cellular beings cannot cross over their DNA information since their cells cannot physically touch each other all the time. So virus is for multi cellular beings what plasmids are for bacterias. Evolved plasmids finding a way to make sense in a different form. Thousand years of evolution made this mechanism turn into diseases, but that's what see now. I believe that this is just one aspect that we perceive.  The roots were good for the evolution. And even now, in a different or same way, we just don't realize it.

What is yet to be discovered about us, about our DNA, about life is unimaginable. Viruses mutates inside us and so our cells. What is inside our bodies is the environment that defines us. We are not just our cells, we are the mithocondrias, the bacterial flora living symbiotically and other aliens, every life form within the body. Its just natural that the lives in ourselves desires to survive, mutate and manifest into other environment or bodies. And its natural that the beings in us attempts to interact with each other, to every way they can. Usually the virus has a very specific target. Human viruses usually doesn't affect turtle viruses, etc. This is because we are not turtles so we don't have the necessity to project our DNA or our mutated DNA into turtles and vice-versa. There are multiple factors why virus are specie specific, I am just listing this one as an example.

Who knows all the mysteries of what can't be seen? The unknown can always be wondered and travel around like virus carrying information. Some are useful, some are just stupid.

I have been though a lot lately. I have a lot to tell about my experiences in my last travel, upload my photos at Picasa, write about my wishes and the weird events that happened at home last month. Well, like always, I will save it for another day :D!

By the way, it is always funny to know what someone thinks about you. Specially because even you don't know all about yourself. I guess you should take care when you say something about someone, because you can say all that you know regarding what a person do or is capable of doing, but hardly you will know for sure how it feels inside, the reasons and intentions. There are things that is better to ask the person directly. Anyway, it is hard to talk about people, about yourself or about anyone. Each one of us have moments of surprise, such is the nature of the humans.

I am buying a lot of junk lately. Last week I bought a hard disk USB cable, an MP5 device for my mother's birthday and today I bought a USB midi cable to connect my piano to my notebook, so I can use piano software, specially this one called Synthesia. If I work hard enough I want to compose some music in the future, I have some melodies in my head, but there is no way I can record them :(.

Well, I missed my house, my space and all the stuff around the city. My office finally changed its address location and now I don't work on an ugly building with air tubes all around the corridors. And now that my vacations is over, there are tons of things waiting for me at the office. Better close my eyes, breathe and go crazy.

There are some feelings that come back over and over and you always expect them to affect you the same as before. Writing about them is my way to bury these feelings on my past. Not forever, of course, I don't think that's ever possible. I specially try not to read something I wrote before, even because it would not be interesting to read anymore. Past stuff should remain there, so I write to put my thoughts behind and let myself go. But these days I discovered something very interesting. There is this feeling that I use to have in certain situations and I really thought that it would come back again and it did, but this time I felt differently, almost like at peace instead of feeling angry. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe I realized how childish of me would be to behave like a stupid kid in stupid situations. Its like looking at someone else's eyes and wonder how old you are and how old one are. I mean, its not like I should not allow myself to grow only because someone is not and vice-versa. I am not the likes and likes are not me. It surprises me how I learn things in unexpected moments, not by forcing situations or by been eager for them to happen.
When my mind is at peace and when doubts are gone my vision becomes less blurred. Although there are different aspects of me, different places and different people, they are all connected. Past, present, friends, colleagues, family, my goals and then my future and the choices I make. The funny thing is that sometimes you make a huge step without even planning, just because of the good opportunities and right choices made by the wrong reasons. Of course we are all responsible for opening the doors, but isn't it curious how things ended up fitting together? And I close my eyes and see who I was some years ago and is that really me? The vessel does not change, but so many things become different, not only the things I see or think, but also the things I feel, my opinions, everything.
If there is this big illusion called world, how many worlds are there? So many people convicted with their beliefs and living their own illusions. And our struggle never ends, my fight to accept and my yearn to understand. I miss somethings along the way, specially good advices. I am always listening to good advices, trusting too much and yes, that does not change. A good music always make me dance until I fall.

I have been wondering these days. Do I ever learn the lessons of my life? Doesn't my past teach me anything? Because the things I do sounds like the stupid things I did before. It makes me sad and I have my reasons to be sad. People I like just go away. I already lost my father that never listened to me. I was just a stupid teenager. I just wish people could never go away. I ended up hurting people and been hurt by them. It's a never ending fight. Underneath it, many feelings. I should have already learned not to be too much attached to things. But I can't help it, it is my nature, it is who I am.
I follow my instincts and capture any sings that could provide hints of human intentions. They become clear as the time you spend with others passes. That's why sometimes I can understand people without even listening to their words. They come to me naturally and sometimes, when they make sense I see some ugly situations. But there are also times when actions are dear, specially from those who believe you. What is ugly does not hurt me much, what hurts me most is to know good intentions that went wrong and turns to be bad ones. Worse is the silence, cowardliness, even lies. Really, I do not care when there are no feelings involved, when you just have to do things for the sake of other things, but when there is a relationship of trust involved, what is clear becomes obscure. It breaks my heart, its poison seeping through my veins stealing dignity as it is written on a song. It feels like the reward of your loyalty is only the betrayal.
I should not worry too much. At least this is another lesson I learned the hard way from someone far from today but still very close. I wish I could hug everyone that saved me, it could be my birthday gift after all. And this weekend on my birthday I wished to meet more people I can admire and respect, to give my loyalty, my sight and my silence. I am like water following the moon. I am sounding like a daydreamer today and I wonder again. Sometimes I get mad at very good people, with very good hearts. Good people sometimes may be rude even when they are not meant to be. This is also another lesson I learned the hard way, it is not like I go crazy on anyone that do something I don't like anymore.
Maybe no one ever understands me, but I do try to understand others even with so many differences among all of us. It is good to know that even through differences that are somethings that never change and make us all the same in a way. Or maybe just ties us together. I guess my sadness is slowly disappearing, it is good to write how you feel. But I don't know, in my heart there is still a mixture of gratefulness, sadness and even happiness. What another person's memory looks like is something I will never know. It is the moments you live that become memories. Eventually they fade away, but they are never erased. They can always be remembered.