.: Um Presságio que Não Aconteceu :.
Is anyone around here used to intuitions? I started to feel like getting hit by an invisible wall, actually this feeling started to get really, really strong when I arrived home. Since last week I am feeling a sort of cloud in my future as if something is about to happen to me, but I don't know what is it.
Usually I feel when something good is about to come, but this time I felt a kind of angst and my heart started to become tighter. I tried to listen to music and relax, but no big deal.
Hmmm... I hope this is not critical. It is a kind of animal instinct, as if someone is waiting for the moment to attack me and all the unconscious signs lead me to this feeling. I am very perceptive, you know me and probably have some notion of what I am talking about.
I hope this feeling goes away soon, good or evil! Maybe it's just me who are very tense. Man, sometimes I wish to have a crystal ball to see the future clearly! And I hope this is not a symptom of a bad syndrome like the panic syndrome, or something 'cause I would say to myself that I am really stressed.
.: Um Cara Aleatório - II :.
Well, some explanations regarding my previous post:
I wanted some feedback about NBF in general. Like when I always post something aleatory someone says: it's just "Drod's Stuff", I posted some junk on purpose to see what it would come next. But in a certain way I was a coward when I did not say what was I feeling openly and straightly. Me and my figures of speech... But I will try to excuse myself now that I have your feedback!
I have things to say, to learn and to hear. And sometimes I am a little arrogant even when using irony, so I start to wait someone to attack me, I get freaked out and scared but I remember that I have to be more cold blooded. That feeling of revenge creates angst inside me but it is not the case now... By the way, the more I know myself and have consciousness about the sings of my body the harder it gets to be aware of it. To be a good actor is so hard. Argh!
The buzzer I saw yesterday reminded me of the metamorphosis (the buzzer also have it, but it is incomplete unlike the butterfly). It is uncommon for me to wish things like "to throw it all away" or "start a new life". It is not that simple, the most I get from it is to screw up my mind - doing something foolish, whatever - so I can put my thoughts into place again. To act like a retard all the time is to ask to put me in a retirement room for old hags. So no smiles on the bald spot.
The metamorphosis question is all connected to the routine too. I like the everyday living and a routine may be good, but it gets me really tired. So I try a "mood metamorphosis" although in the end I ended up in my routine again, there is no place to run. But if keep hating this scenario, it will become the routine itself and it is not my intention to go back in time.
Now that you mentioned it, I remembered what I said to Renato a couple of years ago and he had disagree. We can only say that we own something when this something cannot be taken from us. I believe that happiness fits this philosophy and when you truly have it only you can take it and no one else can. After I said it Renato gave me an example about a micro system: since it can be taken from you so it would never be yours... Well, this computer here is mine, it can be stolen, but to me it is mine! And even if it ended up in the hands of another my computer will never be my computer on somebody else's hands.
And I agree with Fred, we learn living with other people. I love my job and the people that I spend most of my time. I was reading the events thread and Jeff was almost going to Sanca city... I am just waiting to go there together with Ander because I don't want to cut myself from this other family. I simply miss you so much! So, I have conversation threads with the other people from my work, but they are not mature enough to be like these threads we have where I feel like writing about myself and reading from what you guys have to say. Whatever, it is easier to say this sort of stuff personally if the people are around. The bad news is that we don't have much time to do it.
Transition is a very important thing. I cannot speak for others, but I believe that there are those who are happy navigating in the open sea. Even without anyone nearby I believe we can find happiness within ourselves because we can find a meaning to save safe inside of us. Extract and learn, to teach and to share it all helps the development of a good feeling. I believe that we have to understand it and in order to do it we have to try. I have a feeling that the people that experiences a chaotic life find true happiness and become much happier than those who did not live anything interesting and cannot find any real meaning about their lives.
I am not so optimistic like my sister. I don't like to compare myself with others and to think that there are worse people than me and I don't have the rights to complain only because I am healthy, etc. I get myself irritated when I am compared to someone as well, it looks like you must be able to do everything the others can do, etc. I am me and that's it. And I think, try to imagine myself living in a sea of roses, completely beautiful surrounded by elven maidens. Man, in less than three seconds this picture is smashed into bits. I was not born to live in heaven, I want to feel alive.
Sometimes I wonder about the path I walked since I was a child. All those time thinking in my bed at night, my doubts, my feelings... And at that time I was mad because the adults thought that I was "just" a child. But I guess it was better that way, anyway. To certain things I have grown and to other things I still have much to strike for.
You know, my life does not have anything that special, but I do not feel sad or lost. If someone asks me what did I do today it will be hard to answer. Maybe something like losing so much time to install my new video card to capture the playstation images? Maybe I will get nervous if someone asks me about my plans for the future. João asked me about this in the carnassede, even today I cannot answer it well. Today it bothers me a little bit, but am I so procrastinated to throw my time through the window and to regret? I will not try to confirm this since I am not stupid. And I will not continue this topic because to discuss something like this does not lead anywhere, everyone knows what to do in this case. There are choices.
Although I think that happiness is something personal, I don't agree with Jeff in the existence of active and passive happiness. It makes more sense to say that there are those who are truly happy and those who think that they are happy, living in a world a fantasy. And this is a sad illusion that will fall with the time and regret.
Argh! I just re-read what I have just written... You know, I would like to say all of this without that feeling of "someone that knows what he is talking" because I really don't know!
Mega Posts!! Haahah!
.: Um Cara Aleatório - I :.
I am feeling so... It is so hot tonight... Oh yes, I am feeling... Well, for those who did not understand I am a little bit confused, it looks like I lost an antenna. Better saying it seems like there is a cloud in front of me and my old CPU cannot execute any process. That's weird, this feeling is new. I will eat an herbal bread that my aunt baked 'cause I am starting to get hungry.
Oh, today there was a big buzzer in my window. Some of them spend years under the ground eating tree roots and after that they get out of the ground all at the same time to fool the predators. Amazing! But what is even more impressive is the caterpillar that makes the cocoon, melt inside it and turns into a completely new being, the butterfly!
(...) -> See? This is was what was going on my head some minutes ago. It is good to know that everybody has a firewall against jerker. Maybe I should write a book about foolishness and maybe I will became even more stupid. Or maybe I can bring up some meaning from behind the stupidness. From the front, who cares?
By the way, I read about a bald monk. When he is in a meditating state his frontal part of the brain is around 700% to 1000% happier. Regular people just can't do it! Is the happiness an state of mind? Igor must know it and I want him to know that I still have that big desire to draw a smile on the bald spot of the monk.