.: Eterna Recorrência :.
It looks like we go forward and backward all the time. While working is necessary, living in society and evaluating about our way of life also seems to be.
I know that it is not everyone that thinks like me and it's very difficult for me to show non-logical thoughts, mainly if I am at work. But certainly if I always act rationally I would be a very unhappy person. And above all odds, the job I have chosen is computer engineering. I feel like I am in a very hostile environment and it could kill my intuition little by little, it could turn me into a little robot of the analysis, of the calculus, of the implementation and of the process. Of course I don't expect that my behavior will make everybody happy, that's why I struggle. And because there are people around me, to act in a rational way, honestly, it's not good because people are very crazy.
To review the analysis, to discuss estimates, to propose different solutions and to involve people without they noticing it and etc. all of this is my home, I may not be the best in this area, but at least I like it. And the oratory is not my specialty, it never was and okay, I have to improve it together with my logical thoughts. I guess everything has it's the right time.
But what really makes me confused is so many different things:

  • People that like to work, but without any talent
  • People that don't like to work, but with lots of talent
  • People that are very dedicated, but just can't do things right
  • Those who can complete in minutes things that you spend days to complete
  • Those boring ones that can only suck your blood and turns your life into hell
  • Those who doesn't do anything useful, but really makes you happy and help to create a better place to live

I could say, let's celebrate the differences! But life is not fair and it's not meant to be. What is this illusion that attempts to make the society an ideal place to live with the differences? This goes against the very own nature. Well, but we always hear those stories that tells us that we are more special from other living beings because of this and that... Usually I do agree, but there are times that I disagree or lose my patience because of some of the excuses that seems to cover the sun with the bolter just for the convenience of few.
You know, sometimes I really become angry because I am not everything I would like to be and I cannot do everything. But this feeling goes away after some time because I know that nobody is perfect. But then again I become angry because I don't like the idea of staying quiet and agree, but this feeling goes away again because in life we win and lose.
And this is all very boring because you go forward and backward, return to the same subjects just to find similar answers and conclusions to the ones you had in the past and so the subject is forgotten again, but you know that the root cause will not disappear and it would never die. But I know that this is the reason why everything is so good and the reason why it is all so exciting because we are always learning something new until we die. Better than dying while we are still alive because of losing the ability to feel and see though all of this.
If I could stop and think I would feel even more confused than I already am. I am a very multi-threaded person and in my head many ideas are traveling one after another almost at the same time. The body language of the people trying to say something, the tentative to figure out the meaning of the words above their literal meaning, the past unveiling the present, this or that, there are many variables in this game.
But why all this? We become very tired and after we rest we return to the point we have left to continue to do the same mistakes and the central questions will never disappear until we disappear completely. Are we the root of chaos? Well, I don't think so. Thinking too much will not lead you anywhere.
For every argument there is a contra-argument, it's crazy! That's it, we go round and round like a circle (spiral, whatever, circles are the cutest) until we are back home and feel alive again.