I have been wondering these days. Do I ever learn the lessons of my life? Doesn't my past teach me anything? Because the things I do sounds like the stupid things I did before. It makes me sad and I have my reasons to be sad. People I like just go away. I already lost my father that never listened to me. I was just a stupid teenager. I just wish people could never go away. I ended up hurting people and been hurt by them. It's a never ending fight. Underneath it, many feelings. I should have already learned not to be too much attached to things. But I can't help it, it is my nature, it is who I am.
I follow my instincts and capture any sings that could provide hints of human intentions. They become clear as the time you spend with others passes. That's why sometimes I can understand people without even listening to their words. They come to me naturally and sometimes, when they make sense I see some ugly situations. But there are also times when actions are dear, specially from those who believe you. What is ugly does not hurt me much, what hurts me most is to know good intentions that went wrong and turns to be bad ones. Worse is the silence, cowardliness, even lies. Really, I do not care when there are no feelings involved, when you just have to do things for the sake of other things, but when there is a relationship of trust involved, what is clear becomes obscure. It breaks my heart, its poison seeping through my veins stealing dignity as it is written on a song. It feels like the reward of your loyalty is only the betrayal.
I should not worry too much. At least this is another lesson I learned the hard way from someone far from today but still very close. I wish I could hug everyone that saved me, it could be my birthday gift after all. And this weekend on my birthday I wished to meet more people I can admire and respect, to give my loyalty, my sight and my silence. I am like water following the moon. I am sounding like a daydreamer today and I wonder again. Sometimes I get mad at very good people, with very good hearts. Good people sometimes may be rude even when they are not meant to be. This is also another lesson I learned the hard way, it is not like I go crazy on anyone that do something I don't like anymore.
Maybe no one ever understands me, but I do try to understand others even with so many differences among all of us. It is good to know that even through differences that are somethings that never change and make us all the same in a way. Or maybe just ties us together. I guess my sadness is slowly disappearing, it is good to write how you feel. But I don't know, in my heart there is still a mixture of gratefulness, sadness and even happiness. What another person's memory looks like is something I will never know. It is the moments you live that become memories. Eventually they fade away, but they are never erased. They can always be remembered.

While I was reading an essay, I remembered about my research regarding the firewalls of the human brain. That essay indicates how people who suppress the feelings become more depressed and unhealthy. There are many reasons for one to suppress the feelings, humans are used to do it in many situations. The scientists observed two groups watching disgusting and despicable scenes. One group was allowed to freely express the emotions while the other group was instructed to not express any emotion at all. The second group was more affected by autonomous reactions, heart acceleration and high level of stress. It was a quite interesting experiment. It was also clear that an emotionless person has a low social behavior and is not very interesting to others.
That experiment reminded me that breaking the psychological firewalls requires a lot of patience. I need to organize better the data and results of my analysis on this subject. The brain is basically shaped in three levels, the reptilian complex, the limbic system and the neo-cortex. In order to interpret a reaction we need to understand how these three levels interact with each other and how they express their activities throughout the body since we cannot simply read the mind of others. That's the reason of my research, not only to break the firewalls but to understand how my body is affected by my own inner interactions. The signals of rejection that I cannot control have always annoyed me. Mind control by means of meditation and body side effects are tied to each other, I cannot simply ignore the rules of the nature. So... It is better if I work together with them.

Everybody knows that I am cold when I want to. I used to deal with different people to get I what wanted since I was a little boy. Music helped me shape my personality, you know, to become the person that I am today.
And at night (when I am alone) I like to look though my window and see the city, the buildings and to breath the night air. I am always carrying my pen drive loaded with music.
This is a good exercise to forget about the person that I am, and the things that I do. I can get in contact with myself and see my life though a more human perspective. It feels great and develop my emotions in a way.

The magazine I read today had several subjects about mental disorders.
Anorexia I believe everyone is tired to hear. But man, children taking pills because they are hype, rebel, etc. that was a surprise! I feel really sad when things have to be resolved using medicine. There was a boy that liked to cut himself and he started to do very weird things just to isolate himself from the world... and that's the world we live in!
And another thing that I found very interesting, but I read it outside this magazine was about a kind of light autism, the same one the bittorrent author has. Body language is very important, it is a pity that some channels of communication cannot reach everybody.
It is complicated to understand some disorders. Is the world so polluted that the people cannot see themselves anymore? I make these questions now because I also want to understand myself, sometimes I became a little revolted and with light depression, but this never affected my activities, the things I wish to do and my quest for my goals. But just stop and think about it, which goals are these? To enlist the ordinary ones doesn't count. And it makes me tired to hear about marriage, children and, man... to retire? Get a real, the public benefits are broken! To be known as myself is a way to begin, I think it all starts this way.
Back to the subject about the world today, I believe that part of this picture is due to the competition that does not care about our time and differences. As I always studied in public schools (with the exception of my English and Exam Preparatory classes) I was oblivious about the competition among my colleagues. Sometimes we even missed course books and I already spent months without classes of a specific subject like History and Chemistry. In my 3rd year of high school I started to go to the Prep. Exam Course every day in the noon and I clearly saw how the people there were more competitive. There was an ugly and annoying girl that even wanted to sabotage me with some psychological tricks, but she just gave up when she found out that I was going to try engineering and not biologics. My policy was never to say what I was going to do and although I always said to people that I had doubts, I had none. I always knew what I was going to do. And come on, to play psychological games against me requires a very skilled player, since I am good at reading the body language and I analyzing the intentions of the people based in their past behavior, etc. aka intuition.
The Preparatory Exam Course showed me a new reality and you know what, I believe that even if I did not had started this course I would be accepted in my college. What it matters is the dedication and the quality of your study. Even in the college it was not because I was used to sleep in the classes that I was not approved and I was never reproved in anything.
I want to live in a more human like place, less wild, less bestial. Our rules are so messed that people that are completely happy in a place would feel completely smashed in another one. I think I am starting to see it closer and clearly now that I am living outside the college world. I was protected back then. I always knew that it was part of our system, but man, there are so many things to analyze and to wonder... Yet I feel so lazy!!! And to live is better than watching from afar so I believe I am in my time.
Blah, I just wanted to comment about the magazine: even children taking medicine because any difference is a disease today. Isn't it revolting?

It looks like we go forward and backward all the time. While working is necessary, living in society and evaluating about our way of life also seems to be.
I know that it is not everyone that thinks like me and it's very difficult for me to show non-logical thoughts, mainly if I am at work. But certainly if I always act rationally I would be a very unhappy person. And above all odds, the job I have chosen is computer engineering. I feel like I am in a very hostile environment and it could kill my intuition little by little, it could turn me into a little robot of the analysis, of the calculus, of the implementation and of the process. Of course I don't expect that my behavior will make everybody happy, that's why I struggle. And because there are people around me, to act in a rational way, honestly, it's not good because people are very crazy.
To review the analysis, to discuss estimates, to propose different solutions and to involve people without they noticing it and etc. all of this is my home, I may not be the best in this area, but at least I like it. And the oratory is not my specialty, it never was and okay, I have to improve it together with my logical thoughts. I guess everything has it's the right time.
But what really makes me confused is so many different things:

• People that like to work, but without any talent
• People that don't like to work, but with lots of talent
• People that are very dedicated, but just can't do things right
• Those who can complete in minutes things that you spend days to complete
• Those boring ones that can only suck your blood and turns your life into hell
• Those who doesn't do anything useful, but really makes you happy and help to create a better place to live

I could say, let's celebrate the differences! But life is not fair and it's not meant to be. What is this illusion that attempts to make the society an ideal place to live with the differences? This goes against the very own nature. Well, but we always hear those stories that tells us that we are more special from other living beings because of this and that... Usually I do agree, but there are times that I disagree or lose my patience because of some of the excuses that seems to cover the sun with the bolter just for the convenience of few.
You know, sometimes I really become angry because I am not everything I would like to be and I cannot do everything. But this feeling goes away after some time because I know that nobody is perfect. But then again I become angry because I don't like the idea of staying quiet and agree, but this feeling goes away again because in life we win and lose.
And this is all very boring because you go forward and backward, return to the same subjects just to find similar answers and conclusions to the ones you had in the past and so the subject is forgotten again, but you know that the root cause will not disappear and it would never die. But I know that this is the reason why everything is so good and the reason why it is all so exciting because we are always learning something new until we die. Better than dying while we are still alive because of losing the ability to feel and see though all of this.
If I could stop and think I would feel even more confused than I already am. I am a very multi-threaded person and in my head many ideas are traveling one after another almost at the same time. The body language of the people trying to say something, the tentative to figure out the meaning of the words above their literal meaning, the past unveiling the present, this or that, there are many variables in this game.
But why all this? We become very tired and after we rest we return to the point we have left to continue to do the same mistakes and the central questions will never disappear until we disappear completely. Are we the root of chaos? Well, I don't think so. Thinking too much will not lead you anywhere.
For every argument there is a contra-argument, it's crazy! That's it, we go round and round like a circle (spiral, whatever, circles are the cutest) until we are back home and feel alive again.

Is anyone around here used to intuitions? I started to feel like getting hit by an invisible wall, actually this feeling started to get really, really strong when I arrived home. Since last week I am feeling a sort of cloud in my future as if something is about to happen to me, but I don't know what is it.
Usually I feel when something good is about to come, but this time I felt a kind of angst and my heart started to become tighter. I tried to listen to music and relax, but no big deal.
Hmmm... I hope this is not critical. It is a kind of animal instinct, as if someone is waiting for the moment to attack me and all the unconscious signs lead me to this feeling. I am very perceptive, you know me and probably have some notion of what I am talking about.
I hope this feeling goes away soon, good or evil! Maybe it's just me who are very tense. Man, sometimes I wish to have a crystal ball to see the future clearly! And I hope this is not a symptom of a bad syndrome like the panic syndrome, or something 'cause I would say to myself that I am really stressed.

Well, some explanations regarding my previous post:
I wanted some feedback about NBF in general. Like when I always post something aleatory someone says: it's just "Drod's Stuff", I posted some junk on purpose to see what it would come next. But in a certain way I was a coward when I did not say what was I feeling openly and straightly. Me and my figures of speech... But I will try to excuse myself now that I have your feedback!
I have things to say, to learn and to hear. And sometimes I am a little arrogant even when using irony, so I start to wait someone to attack me, I get freaked out and scared but I remember that I have to be more cold blooded. That feeling of revenge creates angst inside me but it is not the case now... By the way, the more I know myself and have consciousness about the sings of my body the harder it gets to be aware of it. To be a good actor is so hard. Argh!
The buzzer I saw yesterday reminded me of the metamorphosis (the buzzer also have it, but it is incomplete unlike the butterfly). It is uncommon for me to wish things like "to throw it all away" or "start a new life". It is not that simple, the most I get from it is to screw up my mind - doing something foolish, whatever - so I can put my thoughts into place again. To act like a retard all the time is to ask to put me in a retirement room for old hags. So no smiles on the bald spot.
The metamorphosis question is all connected to the routine too. I like the everyday living and a routine may be good, but it gets me really tired. So I try a "mood metamorphosis" although in the end I ended up in my routine again, there is no place to run. But if keep hating this scenario, it will become the routine itself and it is not my intention to go back in time.
Now that you mentioned it, I remembered what I said to Renato a couple of years ago and he had disagree. We can only say that we own something when this something cannot be taken from us. I believe that happiness fits this philosophy and when you truly have it only you can take it and no one else can. After I said it Renato gave me an example about a micro system: since it can be taken from you so it would never be yours... Well, this computer here is mine, it can be stolen, but to me it is mine! And even if it ended up in the hands of another my computer will never be my computer on somebody else's hands.
And I agree with Fred, we learn living with other people. I love my job and the people that I spend most of my time. I was reading the events thread and Jeff was almost going to Sanca city... I am just waiting to go there together with Ander because I don't want to cut myself from this other family. I simply miss you so much! So, I have conversation threads with the other people from my work, but they are not mature enough to be like these threads we have where I feel like writing about myself and reading from what you guys have to say. Whatever, it is easier to say this sort of stuff personally if the people are around. The bad news is that we don't have much time to do it.
Transition is a very important thing. I cannot speak for others, but I believe that there are those who are happy navigating in the open sea. Even without anyone nearby I believe we can find happiness within ourselves because we can find a meaning to save safe inside of us. Extract and learn, to teach and to share it all helps the development of a good feeling. I believe that we have to understand it and in order to do it we have to try. I have a feeling that the people that experiences a chaotic life find true happiness and become much happier than those who did not live anything interesting and cannot find any real meaning about their lives.
I am not so optimistic like my sister. I don't like to compare myself with others and to think that there are worse people than me and I don't have the rights to complain only because I am healthy, etc. I get myself irritated when I am compared to someone as well, it looks like you must be able to do everything the others can do, etc. I am me and that's it. And I think, try to imagine myself living in a sea of roses, completely beautiful surrounded by elven maidens. Man, in less than three seconds this picture is smashed into bits. I was not born to live in heaven, I want to feel alive.
Sometimes I wonder about the path I walked since I was a child. All those time thinking in my bed at night, my doubts, my feelings... And at that time I was mad because the adults thought that I was "just" a child. But I guess it was better that way, anyway. To certain things I have grown and to other things I still have much to strike for.
You know, my life does not have anything that special, but I do not feel sad or lost. If someone asks me what did I do today it will be hard to answer. Maybe something like losing so much time to install my new video card to capture the playstation images? Maybe I will get nervous if someone asks me about my plans for the future. João asked me about this in the carnassede, even today I cannot answer it well. Today it bothers me a little bit, but am I so procrastinated to throw my time through the window and to regret? I will not try to confirm this since I am not stupid. And I will not continue this topic because to discuss something like this does not lead anywhere, everyone knows what to do in this case. There are choices.
Although I think that happiness is something personal, I don't agree with Jeff in the existence of active and passive happiness. It makes more sense to say that there are those who are truly happy and those who think that they are happy, living in a world a fantasy. And this is a sad illusion that will fall with the time and regret.
(...)
Argh! I just re-read what I have just written... You know, I would like to say all of this without that feeling of "someone that knows what he is talking" because I really don't know!
Mega Posts!! Haahah!